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Today, for Election Day, we present a special guest editorial from Steve Rogers, Captain America.
My fellow Americans. Steve Rogers here. And before you ask, no I am not the Steve Rogers working for HYDRA. Not sure whose idea THAT was. No, I’m the Captain America who proudly socked Adolf Hitler on the jaw, defeated the Axis, and had absolutely no problem taking a twelve year old onto a WWII battlefield with me. So my judgement counts. And today, on the day when millions of my fellow countrymen are walking into a polling station and pulling a lever, I have one marching order to give you: VOTE!
Now, I’m not going to pretend to understand these fancy new voting machines you all use to cast your ballot. In my day you placed different colored pebbles into tin cans with a candidate’s name on it, then the results were counted by our oldest, and whitest, residents. May sound old fashioned to you millennial people, but it was good enough to elect Franklin Delano Roosevelt seventeen times so it was good enough for me. So you can use your tinders and your instabooks, or hang a chad (which I heard was a thing at some point), or pull a lever, but the most important thing is to make your voice heard and VOTE.
I understand that some people are considering not performing this civic duty, maybe staying home because they’re disillusioned by their choices. I won’t tell you who to vote for. That’s not my role. You can select that fella that looks like a Cheeto was dropped on the floor of a barber shop. Or that lady who has all those emails she can’t find. You could even choose that Johnson gentleman who doesn’t seem to know the location of, or any relevant facts about, any country other than the good old US of A.
But through the course of human history, people all over the world have fought and died for their right to step into a voting booth and make their voices heard. Maybe the lines are long. Maybe you’ve got a very busy life. Maybe there’s something good on your television set. One of those American Idols or Survivors or MTVs all you kids talk about.
But, I went through a classified military experiment, into a war zone with a spangly outfit and a shield and a teenager, punched Adolf Hitler in the jaw, fought a guy with a literal SKULL FOR A FACE, fought another maniac who glued (GLUED) a curtain to his head, and then spent decades frozen in a block of damn ice so that you could go into a little booth and choose one of these crazy people to run this country for four years. So, no matter who you vote for, no matter what you believe in, make sure that you cast a ballot today. It’s an honor, really.
And every other day of the year, will you people please stay off my damn lawn and get a hair cut? And would it kill anyone to hear more Glenn Miller on the radio?
God Bless America. Happy Election Day.